Wise Men Come, Bringing Gifts

Further cause for optimism:

(1) Buster Olney promises a World Series title. That's right. You heard it first here. Well, maybe not first here. Buster's been on the radio saying this every day for the last three weeks. Until recently I've never given much thought to Buster Olney as a commentator. But I reviewed his credentials the other day and cannot but conclude that he is a genius. A true philosopher king.

(2) Sports Illustrated picks Cleveland to win the division. Now sure, the Tribe is only “7th” in the CNNSI’s “power rankings,” but since when does that mean anything? Last I checked, championships were decided on the field, and not on the basis of some popularity contest. If we can die by that principle (R.I.P., 2006 Buckeyes), we can live by it, too. The way I see it, the team that most successfully navigates the Sturm und Drang of this year’s AL Central race is the only team with the true grit, the battletestedness, the je ne sais quoi, mais c’est le sine qua non to take home the Commissioner’s Trophy.

SI sez that team is going to be the Indians. No, I don’t remember the April 6, 1987 cover of Sports Illustrated. I don’t know what the hell you’re talking about, and I wish you’d just leave me alone. GOOD DAY, SIR!

(3) Some guy named Dayn Perry at FoxSports.com has the Indians listed at #2 in his power poll. Now I know a minute ago I expressed some skepticism about power rankings. But let me return briefly — very briefly — to the Ohio State example. The team that ultimately diverted the Buckeye juggernaut and took home the Big Prize was —

Take a deep breath, Phutatorius. Inhale, pause, now say it:

— the Florida Gators.

Now exhale. You got through it. Remember, it was for the greater good. Now continue:

Does anyone remember what the Gators were ranked when they played Ohio State on January 8? Yep. That’s right: #2. Q.E.D.

And I should add, in support of Mr. Perry’s authority on this matter, that he wears smart-guy glasses. Perhaps still more importantly, he works for Fox. As we all know, News Corp. employs only the brightest, most thoughtful journalists. People of integrity. So the Great Dayn must know something, or Rupert Murdoch wouldn’t have hired him.

All right now, Phutatorius. It’s almost over. Insert your finger into your mouth, depress the back of your tongue. Now purge.

Taken together, I find these endorsements dispositive of the case. We’re winning it all. I’ll close with a brief note to the City of Cleveland: tickertape is cheapest in March. There are no professional sports championships on the immediate horizon. Buy now, because come October or even September, those confetti vendors will have you by the pelotas.